a lonely morning |
| Cold shuddering was worst than rising from connected nightmares. The tremors came and went. Most of the same, others varied by parts of a life he wanted to detach himself from. The peace never came Sunday and he left the house after feeding the cats, that happened to cry with meows of his departure. Whether they missed his presence or was confused by the sudden need to escape again, he would have to thank the neighbor for being kind enough to save them from being trapped or abandoned. He should've shared concerned with the possibility of them having been turned to a shelter or worst, dying in the only sanctuary they felt the most free, but balancing their welfare with that of a phantom danger was losing out. Gym shoes laced and tied protected him from the shocks of impact against the ground as he speared into an instant sprint. The speed was missing, wishing it somehow manifest itself like other enhancements seemed to invade his life. He sensed the hot pavement, smelling its vapors as he made that jog from his apartment to an unknown destination. Eating at the back of his mind were the holes in his memories, nothing different than before, except feeling like he managed to cause a crack in the foundation. Nathan time and time again forgave his superior counterpart. Followed the rules set by him, that bar for which he couldn't strive any less for. He sacrificed vices, to behaviors, to make the union seamless as possibly only when it wasn't beneficial, Nathan suffered the most for it. He felt a shudder again, that place where emptiness and despair was thought to be vanquished was present again. Pushed him to sleep discriminately, losing out on what days of walking around on autopilot was like. He recoiled and side stepped the incoming owner and their dogs, as his jog didn't seem to tire him out. Advancing further in escape from what was monopolizing his other sense and conscious, guilt of a different hazard was the trouble he couldn't find the exact pulse to. It's origins hazy at best but felt the most akin to his life in the city with the partner he may have felt undeserving of at times. Shaking off the feeling of deceit on his behalf was like fighting a ghost again. He laid into him all the time, from behind the veil where most of his mastering had been done, Nathan tried to promise to finally put the cork on it, cement his position where he was, while trying to get his home aligned. It was a long time coming where imbalances and feeling the most out of sync would surely have to change. The jog picked up again, feet hitting the ground with aggression and no stopping in sight. He couldn't tire out. He didn't want to stop because all he had was the time to unseat what was stored in spaces that was hard to decipher when it came to the day after being fully aware. The shade tuned him down, muted he became, and strangled from being any voice of a reason to get through on the other side. Where he turned to the most he thought of a walkthrough to get out of any ditch. Climbing up from a trench that would remain where it had been as the frequent voices of agony were like prattling whispers he couldn't shut off. It happened to affect the way sonically the world was absorbed around him and that time hitting the pavement was no different. He missed the oncoming car that nearly swiped him just as he reached the street in crossing. Flickering fingers and exclamations shouted through a car window, he kept going. Not stopping as to run and get it out. Shaking off the after effects of what would continue to lay on him like heavy layers of clothing. Sweat found its way from the pores but he wasn't working hard enough. He wasn't breathing in search of air to catch while lungs worked hyperactively to balance the amplified nature of his body. He beat the Sunday stream of vehicles coming down the road where he stepped off the sidewalk in the lane designated for bikers, to finish out his run. It wouldn't end and neither would pulling out the tangled expectations to meet, while figuring out what he had become in the last week. Spikes of faces were given, so were the grittiness of a city that never mirrored Boston but a crummy center of urban decay he could piece together. Sinking into legacy and where he knew his other self to be, highly brought him into the place where free thought was tied up into fencing for harmony from impressions that were off more than they should have been. He knew the paranoia to come in close range, making his stake wobbly at best. Like running without the right sense of balance or knowing how to get up or bounce back in the rightful place. He felt abandoned by efforts to protect him, and he fell for it. Terrain felt different as he crossed into grass, coming upon a small park where it was like a ghost town. The sun brazen with its rays, felt like the devil's magnifying glass was constantly over his head, but he continued on. Looking for a way to bring up the pressing matter of his status of a threat. Dots connected to those that were of blood relation as its always been taken into consideration and where he was placed into the lives of his other half. Feeling like the pit of his stomach was rotting away thinking of any displaced actions would lead him, he couldn't remain fettered to possibilities of cancelling out the faces that were imprints in his nightmares. When his feet stopped moving as fast, inching into a walk as he circled around a benched, he looked through singular sight as how far he went. Limits tested had built who he was and who he wanted to be, only there took on a speculative slant of who exactly he was going to be without having authority over his choice. No one had authority over their choices anymore. |