both feet in
less questions of why · 5/26


journal entry #34
random thoughts · 05/26

May, Friday, Two thousand seventeen

Questioning everyone and everything shouldn't cease. Not until death. I question myself daily. I question intentions of others and assess if they can be trusted or seriously considered to hold on to information that wreaks of benefits. I don't trust myself when weakened by doubts, especially hooks of them that question what it is I'm doing with her.

There hasn't been an inquiry as to why she's at the top of anyone that's came before her in a long time. I don't call it settling but standing in the face of what that dumb ass ultimate emotion of what love is while deep in it. Don't get me wrong, there are days that my blood pressure spikes because of the ongoing work it takes as that sentiment never becomes enough.

Not sure why the fuck I'm wasting my lunch writing about it or figuring out if hiccups that run in a cycle can sway otherwise. Denying any involvement in each other's lives is what kept me up longer than usual at night when she left. I was selfish in thinking it was a wrong move. Only in its abruptness and I knew what it was then. Half of it actually. I couldn't help but to think that it was me she probably needed to get away from. That idea, negative in its whole assumed truth, fed into the doubt of what was to come if allowed.

False is what it was. I never want to be unsure about us or unsure about what I'm constantly working for or towards. After giving my word. My devotion to proceed with next steps, there's nothing to turn back from or abandoned. I am not the same man who found it easy to self sabotage something worthy of a chance or push away because the misery lined up so thick.

I was a slow sinking cruise liner, with the bow always bobbing up from the water unable to hit the bottom completely until it did. That credit had been to her for helping me out from sinking further before there was nothing to return to. Yeah, funny how things work in reversal.

That's what this is, correct? She had my back at my worse when ditching was the best thing to do. Saving herself from what darkness it entailed to tangle with. She didn't. I knew then that it was the institution and concept of fate working a number of keeping one together to be firm enough to carry massive weight. Now, for a while, I've watched and been on its opposite side.

Holding her up because there's nothing to question about it. There's not one misguided thought that says otherwise when faced to deal with insecurities and difficult issues with self that don't belong to me. As fucking wretched I can be inside and out, there a source of light she's hanging on to. And I must make sure it stays lit and unwavering when she needs it the most.