more than connected
downtime at the ashram · 4/7


journal entry #6
random thoughts · 04/07

middle of the week, sure

Lost track of time and sense of my own awareness yesterday. Naming words for the experience on the path away from the visitors quarters was something that ought to have me spooked. Concerned mostly. I saw things no one human should have power to do. Secrets, those inner workings that allow for one person a moment to themselves is valuable. Not in the nature of currency. Not what can be bartered in exchange for a good. Not how exchange rates can be considered and used to purchase in a governed land outside of the state's. This was more altogether. A priceless declaration. Cream of the crop measured more than gold. Informative pieces if getting technical here, have found its way with me. Won't fade but I feel it lingering on me like the ink etched on me. It doesn't sting but pinches of it tap against the back while she's probably off vexed of having the similar glance. Not a pretty glimpse either.

Apologies aren't made for it after the look hinted we've been given front row seats to parts often unseen, undiscovered by any other. I should be offended, more than ready to call for the heads of it happening. Lives intertwined and crossed enough more to give proper explanations for, have resulted in this mass of knowing still hanging against me in a warm blanket. The good, bad, and unspeakable has its way of taunting me than the usual but I'm awake, charging this cavity of a changing man. He, Nathan, has many steps to take. Moves to find in practice before making the right distinction and allowing the fusion to be as harmonious as listening to some of these meditating quacks find their way. Distractions have come and there's no greater distraction than a lover and the entirety of what comes with wanting to lay out the full assault of protection needed. 

Similarly it stands for family and one of the biggest gripes to come along is a reflection of what not to do in the face of imminent danger. To buckle, sweat profusely, because it's what comes between life, death, and loss of any chance redemption would bring. Yeah there's a shot to do more than right, a life long event because the overnight magically making it all better is a moot ideal. It doesn't exist. Time does but in an infinitive measure. Expanding into lifetimes and other realities. Where it happens is a hope for it to be this one while I'm still on majority good behavior. Not that my time around has been consistent with good or it aligns somewhere in the grey area of things. What's done is morally reprehensible. Stripped by having done things s much and for so long, you're desensitized by nature. Only your work, the artistry created, then memorized when imprinted to you as a walking killing resume, is up for questioning in face of all you have immense feelings for. 

Values in people come around full circle again. Either they're worth much more than what's sitting in off shore accounts, nothing that would cause sleep to be loss, or no monetary value in the equation. Same goes for information and what I've got now becomes precious. Sitting on it makes me fucking antsy and ready to split but there are only some odd days left before departing again. Off to where home is and where Nathan's life has to resume. Thus far it's been through enough that more could be done to better it while laying dormant; if that's what you call the silence. Only there isn't silence that lingers but the reels of my work, my identity, and the play by play of a thorough background that proceeds me. 

Could use real food and not any of this strict dietary yoga shit everyone's been subjected to here. I need to be at a street vender in town, eating lamb filled momos, paratha served with ghee and spicy chutney, and a decent drink to wash it all down with. Get familiar with locals and the surrounding towns outside because it pays to be aware of the perimeter. Going off course again means enough of this. Make one's self useful and go meditate before the chance to do so is gone. Until next time.