Kids passed by him, parents did the same. Some with looks of suspicion and others with wired curiosity. He hated every minute of it. The gift shop summed up everything he seemed to hate in that moment, including himself. Feet stepped clear of a mother and child, as she plucked a pair of Minnie ears. Nothing of a smile reached his face as a resting scowl was immovable. He did it to himself. Set the tone and created this air that helped him breathe when all he wanted was for someone to stop the air from fueling him to live.
Arriving at the magical place on earth either would help better his mood, or make him want to stand in the middle of the Magic Kingdom with slit wrists. He watched his own undoing as eyes closed. Sensing more than enough ways to die. It could have been depression kicking in while he attempted to temporarily kick a habit that had been years in the making, only this time, in the days that turned like old pages, were caused by something deeper than old injuries. Habits were once manageable, hiding under the radar of any suspecting person. He could move about as if nothing touched him, feeling invincible.
Now he was left with crumbs of his former self that started breaking into pieces just months ago. Hands kept to themselves by the way of pockets. Eyes carefully scanning the area he was in, contained from view of others by a pair of tinted aviators. Nathan looked over the merchandise with one of a few people on his mind. Broken up about having a constant become no more, he didn't know what to think. Briefly he left the amusement of bringing back a set to someone that deserved more than what he could pass on as devotion.
Love or another form of it caused him to put her first by breaking the link before he consumed all of her and the energy with the darkness that was now a living tenant. Fear of his dependencies mangling her without protection is what caused him to back away, and insist that there was something, someone better. He believed it, only to make the snapping easier but it never was.
It wasn't easy standing there figuring out what pair of ears were more her style as a gag gift, because the distance was real. Eating through his heart like a virus that was incurable. The forever scowl mollified into form wreaking of mourning. Slouched posture and all called out his entire being wrapped in the place he had thought to be impenetrable. Stepping slowly away, mind was made up as he had other things to do. Go back to the hotel or let Isla know there was no need to meet him near the fucking tea cup ride as he claimed to promise.
He felt ill thinking about it, all of the pastel colors spinning and rotating while children and some adults spewed jovial juice all over the place. He wasn't protected by the park's merriment in his current posture. It was a mistake, agreeing on leaving Boston was, or he weighed out his irrational urge to follow through with stopping it all completely if he had not hopped on the first flight out. As an employee showing common service to potential buyers, he escaped out of the shop without answer questions of concern thrown his way.
a needed conversation
stopped from drowning
Thinking for himself he wanted it to end. Sparked with sun, a drink in one hand as a doll whip was just handed to him for the other, his feet carried wherever the current leader led. Like a fish out of water, his element was far left behind miles and miles away. The day or days itself burned into one all the time and it was what he grew used to. Sleep missed him again and it showed in slight gaunt features. On his left there was his friend's appearance and using the word or considering her even that, was slim than he had ever foresaw.
As warnings of his being were given, she sadly got the shittiest prize ever that day. He glanced at his frozen treat, knowing it would melt under the burning sun if he hadn't gotten to it soon enough. A quick guzzle of his drink was taken, swiping out the liquor in seconds flat, he tossed the bottle into the receptacle that was passed on the walk. Passing peoples of misshapen bodies, that including parents of kids who resembled real parents, he was unhealed from thinking of his own role as a father.
The blonde firecracker snapped fingers in front of him, even slapped his arm to gain any attention he had to spare. Nathan looked down, eyes hidden from the world in his shades. Mouth prepared to blurt out a, what, but she beat him to it.
"Hey old man, what are you thinking about?"
"Hearts and rainbows. Sprinkles and whipped cream. I can continue and we're on route to Weirdville. Do you wanna travel down that road," he asked with words targeted by sarcasm. Tone went into gravelly territory and by the time they passed by the entryway into the massive wave like pool, he thought about how easy it would be to enter, and sink like a weight that could not be saved. He felt another alerting smack against his arm for the attention.
"Nate, you're not so great at hiding everything."
"Tell me something I'm not in the know of," he admitted and sought out the spoon to dig into his frozen treat. He was distracted by its dairy, and frozeness, because if one weakness wasn't filling his stomach with pills and booze, then it was ice cream of some sort. Paranoid by her ploy to get him talking, he was cautious of revealing too much but in desperation, he had to dislodge that was built.
"You've been there for me, so it's my turn. Whatever is eating you up from the inside out isn't so bad as you think it is."
"Wrong. Everything is bad, including what I know. It's bad for you, my kid, Elsa, anyone else that's taken up some form of prime real estate here lately," he said sounding completely dejected. Instead of parting off with more, he fed himself ice cream instead. It briefly gave him fond memories of his childhood. The ones he wanted to share with Rowan one day but didn't know how to. Failure was his fears he spoke of only because the expectations he was so used to operating on, would never be enough for that young woman. Not so late in the game as he was still finding his way.
"Everything is bad. So what?" She gave him a look and he matched it with knowing. Had there been bluntness on his end in her time of need, he had to anticipate the same.
"You don't understand..what I'm capable of what I have been capable of. Not a good person, blondie. Won't be one and it's only time that what's done will come to the light to show my true Nature."
He felt his throat tighten up on him and far from relief, face was fed again. He caught too many spoonfuls that the sting of freeze did a number to his head.
"Whatever you think you are, isn't so. You're not so bad. And if it is, so shall it be. Do what you have to, to find your way out of this funk you're in because now you're scaring the kids," she pointed out to the twin boys that darted off after overhearing their conversation. Nathan's shoulders shrugged as he was far too busy claiming more of his ice cream hoping it was enough to freeze the rest of his brain so he could drop dead where he stood.
"I'm done talking about this because now it's killing me to think about it further. I just want to end it all. The dreams, the fuckin' reminders that I've created chaos in my path that can't be undone. The bodies, whether it's real or just my mind finally giving up," he glanced down at the paved ground. Shadows of theirs mocking their existence as the others, those cutthroats behind folds of a world that was breaking through one way or another. He felt like his current life was satirical at it's core, an irony of someone's misfortunes felt on the other side. His mouth was going to garner more than looks from not only her but others that started to swarm in their general direction.
Quiet went in the direction it was supposed to and he would thank her for not inquiring further or wanting to twist more out of him. He was far enough away from having the heart to reel it all in, even with Isla's daughter not too far from them. Being the last person to ruin another person's spirit in some way, forced him to tighten up momentarily. Deep breaths given as an arm tried to snake against him and he was eased in a odd form of a hug. Stunned he could only hold his ice cream and awkwardly glance down not having the concept of returning such a concern driven reminder that he wasn't alone.
no business, just pleasure
last stop before home
Ditching was easy. Going about his very own path just the same. Instead of carrying out a flight straight from Florida and back to Boston, he took a small road trip to Miami. The place he visited not too long ago and one where it started. The debauchery passed him as a goal of another brought him there. Money was to be spent instead of earn. Trapped in a place of excess, he had to do everything with anything that walked. His night of booze and coke filled happenings lead him to a place he had faint memory of heading to. Underground where special types of people had access to, was the same place he tried to retrace steps of retrieval. Sleuth work called in from a boss he had acquired knowledge back home, allowed for this to be his way of spending the last two nights there. Mindless sex, drugs that jump started his adrenaline, and booze for the shared experience, was his way out.
He may not have had it in him to end it all by drastic means, but he had the opportunity to do something else about it. To properly slide to home plate of his complete downfall. The bottom of the rock was waiting for him to land and skid up his entirety as he remembered happening almost fifteen years ago when caught in a bike accident. The room dropped in lighting, red glow all around. He was coming to without a grasp of where he was or how long he had been barricaded in the room. His face was numb on one side, having laid into a bare breast for hours of being out. He fell back into the hard specialized couch, feeling for all that was around him. Music played at a level it had since his arrival sounded like thunder clapping in his ears.
Delirious narrowed eyes searched for what he could. Three women, one alert and still hammering down a bottle of whiskey, while the other two cleanly naked resting against one another like broken dolls. He hated himself then knowing they were misguided women who probably had better lives ahead of them but were caught up in a life of fast money and exploitation. He quickly felt the sickness pass through his gut as he wavered on weak stems trying to zip then fasten his jeans. Back of pocket was felt, wallet still there but felt a little light. Bills of mixed faces from the smallest of denominations to its largest he was able to carry, laid scattered along the floor. A few rolled up still neat from white power pulled through it's cylindrical transport. Nathan's heart sped as the pounding didn't cease, nor the smirk that shot in his direction as he was being approached by a dancer still committed to wearing shitty impractical heels.
He pushed her away, needing to leave. The money was nothing to him or the friendly reminder that his time wasn't up but he felt that it was. What one short stop could've turned into a week filled of forgetting that his life in Boston ever existed. Trouble was long lasting and he caught wind of it being so when the knot in his throat buckled to a feeling of choking. The woman was persistent until he forcefully pushed her away until she stumbled across the floor and skidded against the tile. He fumed, cussing and doling out threats if he were touched again. His clothes were intact other than waking up with his pants at his ankles and used condoms flung about the place. Remembering this would be a horror, and coming off of a splitting high would be just as worst.
Violent he felt, destructive he had become, and it was drawn out across in plain sight as he luckily found his way towards the door guarded on the other side. He gained his way out and rushed passed the muscle that were eager to help him, even fetch a car curtesy of the host of such an establishment but he wanted out and air. That he reached after racing on a weakened knee, hitting another set of doors that led him into a sparse parking lot. Spots in reserve, one where his rented vehicle remained untouched. Racing to reach the driver's side, he patted himself down for keys, finding them wedged deep into his pocket but he couldn't drive off suddenly as nausea curdled, bile along with other ingested items crawled from his throat faster than he could save himself from view. Folded over, hand caught his partial fall to knees as weakened stomach attempted to empty him out with a overflow hurl.
Nathan fell back against the body of the car, just leaning against a tire while he fought back watered red eyes from leaking wildly. Bare sleeve of his arm wiped his mouth, he choked on words under his breath, asking about his means of being there. Attempting to catch hitch breathing, he could control the reacting or where his mind was racing in more than enough places to cause his episode from pausing. Head hid against his knee, as arms covered from view. The brightened lights off in the distance was the heart of SoBe, and his light dimmed under the nebulous skyline just above.
